Why do the heathens rage?

Why do the heathens rage?
Why do we endlessly look for ourselves, and complain about how miserable we are when we're so self absorbed...

I remember the days when I could make love and completely loose myself in the other person.

I don't think it's because I feel too much.

Maybe it's because I feel to little.

In Germany, or Sweden or some place like that there is a machine
Artists and engineers made it.
you stand on a platform, and fire comes out and engulphs you
just then, you are spun around and jets of water completely put out the fire.
It's adjusted by microseconds.

You can modify it from no risk whatsoever, to dying.

Why would someone want such a thing.

They say that nearly dying makes you appreciate live.

I don't know how many times I've nearly died.
It's happened so often that I just sort of figured, well, when God wants me I'll go, until then?
Invincible?
I don't think so...
I'm just glad that someone else is calling the shots on that.

If I were to die.
Tonight.

What would they say?
Not many would know.
Probably even folks who regularlly read my stuff, or my neighbors might find out...
They'd have to...
(It's a gross thought... I seriously hope I don't die tonight...
NOT that I was planning to or anything... I'm just saying... what if?
Some sort of stroke.
Aneurysm...
Heart Attack...
Frozen blue airliner shit falling from the sky above...

I have two very very distinct feelings about this.

1. -I want my life to be worthwhile, I need my life to benefit others...
Not as pennance, -but I think that truly is what life is for...
Screw this California 'me first,' crap...
I want to know that I not only made others lives better, ---but that I did not cease in doing so...
There needs to be a list... '...He did this...'
-Not so people would feel better about me, ---but that, I dunno, everybody elses' caring would be seen as having been worthwhile.... '....your donations of caring in Eric's life resulted in this happening on such a day, ---and you had no idea that it was due to you, huh?'

2. -I want people to know how full of things and rituals and tasks my life has become.
-And so much of this is due to the lack of a spouse...
I don't mind it...
I don't blame anyone...
I just know...
There is so much that I am doing, so much that I write or am involved with...
Like right now...
It's quarter after One on a Wednesday night (into Tuesday,)
-I personally would rather be in bed, curled up next to a wife...
(...hey, some guys have hobbies, some have goals and secret things that they always want, -and could never give up...)
Me?
Wife.

Not just 'wife,' -not just 'anybody.'
I came out here to marry Christien, and she was Engagement number 4...
And it had been a while since I had even thought of marrying anyone ever again.

I can't figure it out, really.
All I know is, as isolated and as free standing and independant as I am as a person?
Living a life by myself, (no disrespect to the two cats...) -even with friends, family, and church and all... -is distant and isolated.
People weren't meant to live like this.
----This is just another reason why I am sure that 'self-absorbed,' lifestyles is a crock.
No.. We were meant to be with others, to care for them, interract, put up with their nonsense, love their triumphs and endurance, ---simply care for them and adore them for them...

So, it's two parts...

Part 1. Eric has done incredible things, and has done worthwhile things. (which is good... Eric gets a B for that.)

Part 2. Eric sits alone in class.

I guess that's the worst, for me.
Living alone is bad.
-but being found dead alone?
No.

That simply will not do.

There must be a mate out there somwhere...